New Blog!

I don't usually talk much to you, my wonderful readers, and there are good reasons for that. I want my poetry blog to be a place where the writing can really be the focus, not my inner thoughts. I've found that most blogs are really, REALLY fucking boring, and you don't really care what kind of soup I had for lunch (it was chicken dumpling). Mainly, my mind usually is going to a hundred different places at once, which doesn't make for good reading, and.... oooh, shiny object.

Tonight I wanted to try writing you, partially to blow off some steam, partially to ease the hurt in my wounds, but mainly I'm bored and not tired yet. Hey, at least I'm not lying to you! I hope you get a good laugh out of it, as I know that I am now (in retrospect).

So I had one of those days today. I got to work an hour early to try to catch up, only to find two hours worth of work came in after I left yesterday. One of the main computer systems I use wasn't working, and after spending 45 minutes on the phone with tech support, and resetting my computer a few times, it finally started working. I'd like to talk to you Windows users for a second (I use Linux, and yes I DO feel superior, thanks for asking!). Why the FUCK do you put up with such an unstable system? When the system is so crappy that you have to restart it MULTIPLE FUCKING TIMES just to get it to run for a bit, don't you stop and ask yourself "Maybe something is amiss"? I mean, COME THE FUCK ON! In comparrison (dammit, I still don't know how to spell that), I have not rebooted my computer in two months, and (in the intervening time) have done many updates to the core OS (multiple reboots for Windows users), have recompiled the source code to add some new bits of hardware in (you can't do that, be jealous!), and have even SWAPPED OUT FUCKING PARTS, without shutting down or rebooting once. The reason I rebooted last time: I had to load into Windows for a few minutes to load my iPod with some new songs (I know I can do it through Linux, but I haven't had the time to learn how yet).

Ok, computer is working good, I'm finally getting some work done. My watch breaks. I'm feeling happy again, with visions of getting caught up for once dancing through my head. Didja catch that second sentence? Because I didn't notice it until I looked down and part of my watch band was on the floor... Fuck!

I'm gonna fast forward quite a bit here, you don't want to know how boring my job really is, but let's just say that it was really busy again today. As in, I might go in even earlier tomorrow to try to get everything left from today done. Yargh!

Ok, so it's later in the afternoon, and I'm in a big fight with a co-worker. A fight that lasts over an hour. I'm not giving details, but it was gruesome, and I'm not sure who won (if either of us). I only mention it because I'm feeling pretty shitty about it, so now you can too. Thanks reader! :)

I get home, with only one goal in mind: exterminating mankind. I've been playing "Destroy All Humans" for about a week now, and it's one of the best games I've ever played! How can you not love a game where the whole premise is that you're an alien who wants to kill off humanity? WOOT! Sadly for me, I just couldn't get into it, and after having been killed a lot, I gave up.

So I'm sitting in my living room, not sure what to do. I turn on the tv for a bit, thinking that maybe there is something new on. The only new thing was wrestling, and dammit I was so bored that I watched it. I was reliving my childhood, remembering some of the characters, recognizing familiar actors playing new characters, and generally having a good time. Ladies: wrestling is for men what soap operas are for women. WOOT! I watched for quite a bit before I realized something: I wasn't watching the WWF that I grew up with (or WWE or whatever they are now). I was watching the newer ECW, but it has WWF characters in it... Ummm? Ok, kinda confused, so I put it on mute, and just enjoyed watching them beat each other up.

I was kinda hungry, not enough for a sandwich or anything, just enough for something small, and I went on a cupboard raid. If you've ever seen my cupboards, you know why this is an iffy proposition. I settled on chocolate Malt-O-Meal. I think I'm the only one out there who likes it, I have like 4 boxes of it in my cupboards, and a secret stash under my bed. You touch my Malt-O-Meal, you DIE! :) Tonight, though, was the night that my Malt-O-Meal abandoned me. I made a bowl, not measuring (I know the proportions by eye, I've made that much in my life). Pop it in the microwave for a minute, watch men beat each other with chairs, stir, another 45 seconds, slight blood on tv, stir, 30 seconds left, commercial break, and done. The commercial, by the way, was a tampon commercial. Those rank in my top 5 most hated commercial subjects, and I think there should be mandatory punishment for anyone creating (or, even worse, starring) in one. Sorry for the aside...

So I pull my wonderfully hot bowl of delicious chocolate goodness from the microwave, take it into the living room, and sit down, putting the bowl on my coffee table. In the process, I stick my smallest finger into the flesh searingly hot goop, up to my second knuckle. I had a cartoon moment, where it took a few seconds to realize what I had done, and another few seconds for the pain to start. If you have never had your finger dipped in chocolate Malt-O-Meal, imagine this: sand, that's wet, and hot enough to make you swear off beaches forever. Now imagine that on your genitals. Or, in my case, little finger.

After swearing at my Malt-O-Meal, and sucking my finger clean (hey, Malt-O-Meal tastes good, even when it's on your finger and scalding you), I tried to remember what you are supposed to do when you burn your finger in chocolate goop. I thought that maybe you should do something that involved cold foods, to balance out the hot foods... Makes logical sense, and I'd like to see you think of something better after burning your only right pinkie. So, looking in the fridge, I grabbed the first cold, flexible food I could find: turkey bologne.

It's a proven fact that nobody eats the stuff on purpose, so I figured that maybe THIS was it's use. So I wrapped my finger in a slice of turkey bologne, and glued it shut using a bit of mayonaise (yummy!). Picture this: I'm sitting there on the couch, with part of a sandwich wrapped around my burnt finger, slightly more hungry than I was earlier, watching wrestling. I thought maybe something was wrong there, so I switched from wrestling to Penn & Tellers Bullshit. It was about circumcision (sp?). Grumbling stomach, sandwich on finger, and I couldn't remember why nobody likes turkey bologne, so I try a nibble. Just a nibble, from the edge.

Tastes pretty good really, especially with the chocolate Malt-O-Meal. I went in for another nibble, then a bite, then I went for the gusto and took a big chomp out of it. It was at this point I realized two things: one, it was still wrapped around my finger, and two, my finger was again in my mouth, only now with teeth! Stupid turkey bologne, now I know why everybody hates you...

I finally start getting into the show, watching how they circumcise babies (graphically, might I add), and them talking about the benefits of not doing it, and I had a revelation. I want my fucking foreskin back! Dammit, it sounds like something EVERYbody should have! Well, at least all the guys. They even showed how to grow in a NEW foreskin, but I'm too lazy for all that work. Plus, they demonstrated with an old man's penis (seriously), which kinda looked like my turkey bologne/Malt-O-Meal finger. Eeew. At least that took care of my appetite.

And now, I'm tired enough for sleep. Good night!